I seem to have an issue with 99% of ‘self-help’ books, articles, Ted talks and the like. It’s not that
they’re not entertaining or interesting. It’s not that they’re not relevant or well researched. My issue
is that I doubt whether many of the readers actually go on to achieve significant and sustained
behavioural change.
How many people read books on how to be more successful, happier, better parents, better
leaders, better team-mates, and yet within days (hours?!) continue with their life as if a page was
never turned? It’s not necessarily the contents of the books, although obviously you could fill
bookshelves with the ‘dross’ end of the market, I believe it’s that the emphasis is often on the
credibility of the message rather than on the actual ‘call to action’. Motivation remains short lived
and the habitual inertia of daily life goes unbroken.
Book store shelves are filled with authors addressing various themes related to personal
development and self improvement, many under the banners of ‘success’ and ‘wellbeing’;
whether focusing on habits, time management, leadership, meditation, exercise, EQ, sleep,
waking at 5am or de-cluttering your house. There is the expected range of excellent to poor, and
from insightful to regurgitating the same old stuff, and some can certainly prompt real benefits in
certain aspects of your life. But here’s the ‘however’. I believe that when it comes to deep,
sustained and transferable character development, many of these themes are merely sticking
plasters, masking and providing temporary solutions to deeper issues.
For example, if our mental health relies (and I mean relies, not just ‘is benefitted by’) on physical
exercise, what happens if we get injured, ill or old, and simply cannot perform that sort of activity?
If your mental health relies on close friendships and an active social life, what happens if life
events prevent this (remember COVID?)? Many of the techniques and habits can be used very
effectively within an overall healthy lifestyle, but they are insufficient to provide what we all need at
our core, especially when unwanted or unforeseen events occur. After all, is that not what
resilience is all about? Being able to manage and respond positively and productively to
adversity?
We’ll each have a way of describing the foundations of a deeply satisfying and fulfilling life. For
me, words and phrases like the following ring true:
Self-mastery, vitality, emotional control (not lack of emotion), psychological resilience, a sense of
purpose/meaning, psychological security, the ability to navigate life’s ups and downs with
assuredness, serenity, perspective, compassion.
With these at our core, they can act as secure and stable foundations on which to base our
personalities, ambitions and lifestyles.
Although I’m interested in a certain amount of theory, I am motivated by the practical application
of Psychology. Discussion is fine, but only if it fuels positive changes to someone’s life. If I read a
book on happiness, I want to know that there might be a few gems within, that allow me, or those
I can influence, to become happier. And I want to know how I can do it.
Unfortunately, click bait titles like, ‘5 easy ways to better relationships/success/wealth/health/
whatever”, dominate internet and social media searches. After all, who doesn’t love the sound of
a ‘life hack’? Easy wins that no one else has ever thought of – a way to cheat the system and
become a beautiful, healthy, wealthy, powerful, popular legend with minimum investment of time
and energy. By all means scroll through these and chuckle mockingly at the naivety of the other
readers, but if you are serious about wanting genuine, meaningful and lasting self improvement,
I’m afraid you need to re-frame your expectations. To be physically fit and strong takes consistent
and purposeful application to a fitness and nutritional regime. The benefits accumulate and
change ensues. It is the same with psychological health. It takes engagement and the formation
of positive habits. It should be a daily, lifelong ritual.
“Psychological Health requires engagement and the formation of positive habits. It should
be a daily, lifelong ritual”
BUT, and I cannot emphasise this enough, it is worth it.
My journey to this ‘revelation’ was a long and convoluted one. I was that teenager/ young man
who new best and would only learn through my own experiences. Like most of us, through
successes and mistakes I gradually started to piece together my opinions on the human
condition. I reflected on relationships, exam pressures, losing my England hockey team a medal
by missing a penalty, career decisions, military training, flying combat missions in Iraq, leading a
combat squadron in Afghanistan, losing friends too soon, endurance challenges, teaching
Psychology to teenagers, turning back just short of the summit of Everest, driving 20,000 miles
through Africa, changing careers (3 times), becoming a parent and trying, often unsuccessfully, to
be the husband I’d like to be. These, and an infinite number of events and interactions in between,
developed my self awareness and understanding of what makes me, and others, tick. Or rather, it
was the conscious analysis of my experiences and feelings that enabled lessons to be learned.
Layered on top of and amongst these practical
experiences, I read about the opinions and
experiences of others, both practitioners and
theorists. I studied theoretical Psychology and
sought to support or challenge my own insights
with the scientific literature. I interrogated the
reliability and validity of relevant studies, and
dismissed those that prompted more questions
than they answered. I wanted, I needed answers to
allow me to understand myself, and specifically
how I could grow; be fulfilled, feel a sense of
purpose, become the person I wanted to be
(whoever that was).
At last, aged 42, I felt like I was getting somewhere. It was a realisation that lead me and my
family to move from a very comfy existence in England to a very different life in rural Zimbabwe. I
felt a developed understanding of myself, and fortunately, my long suffering legend of a wife
agreed. This change was what we needed to flourish – to thrive as individuals, as a couple and as
a family. I started to feel as though I’d made a breakthrough but couldn’t quite articulate exactly
what is was. I felt like I’d stumbled upon a secret that I wanted to share with others, but didn’t yet
know how. I knew it, but how could I communicate it successfully to my pupils, to other adults? I
started making notes, I drew mind-maps, I read and researched in the hope of clarifying my
thoughts and honing my ‘pitch’.
And then I found Stoicism. And to a certain extent, Buddhism. And I realised my ideas had been
around for 3000 years.
Now I’m not interested in labels. I could not be a ‘true’ Buddhist as I don’t believe in reincarnation
and I don’t want to give up my Friday night whisky, but I’ve read a lot said by the Dalai Lama, and
he seems a wise guy. And many of his messages resonated with me and were absolutely aligned
with my life experience. Likewise, I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a stoic, but Ryan Holiday’s
interpretation of the ancient texts (www.dailystoic.com), in particular, touched me and have real
practical utility. I read voraciously and was filled with wonder and an element of disappointment
as to why I hadn’t discovered these philosophies earlier. Many of the themes, especially from
Stoicism directly supported the lessons I’d gleaned from my life experiences.
Stoicism will get plenty of air time on this website and this article isn’t the place to go into the
detail, but the point is that I was immediately struck by the fact that human nature has not
changed. The issues, challenges and obstacles addressed by the early stoics, including Marcus
Aurelius, the Emperor of Rome 2000 years ago, are as relevant today as they were then:
Relationships, romantic, familial and professional,
The pursuit of success, power, status, wealth, respect and love,
Coping with adversity,
Striving for happiness and contentment,
Concern about the future
Managing change and instability
Wellbeing might be a relatively new term, but it’s far from new as a concept. The importance of
physical and mental exercise, nutrition, ‘work-life balance’, friendships, secure relationships,
spirituality, immersing oneself in nature and being ‘present’, can all be found in stoic texts. They
are not products of the instagram age. And that is because the core tenets of human nature have
remained consistent. Our drives, worries, ambitions and desires are the same as those of humans
3000 years ago. Yes, of course, the environment has changed drastically, technologically,
medically, socially, but the constituents of human happiness and contentment have not.
And that is why the messages of the ancients are as, if not more relevant than much of what is
peddled by modern ‘experts’. Psychological science has led to extraordinary advances in certain
areas of understanding the human condition, yet I would argue that our understanding of how to
live a fulfilling, purposeful, ‘good’ life is no further advanced from the great philosophical minds of
the ancient world.
The key to real self improvement – happiness, contentment, fulfilment, resilience, health, positive
relationships – every aspect of life, is in consciously making the pursuit of personal development a
central pillar of your life. I do not simply mean skill acquisition or becoming better at ‘stuff’; I don’t
even mean ensuring you are addressing physical fitness, sleep, nutrition and other valid markers
of ‘wellbeing’. I mean devoting time and energy, consistently and with rigour, to your inner self –
your soul. To establish who you want to be, why, and how you are going to get there. And then to
rehearse, practise, reflect, and challenge yourself to act accordingly. The sort of deep, robust,
enduring character development that I am advocating cannot be achieved at a superficial level. It
is a life-times work, and Stoics know this.
A useful, simple model to illustrate a balanced life is:
Physical – Mental – Emotional – Spiritual
Each of these elements requires conscious effort, and must be satisfied for psychological health.
Physical health and fitness is the easiest to both understand and address. Mental relates to using
your brain in ways that challenge and occupy your intellect. Emotional relates to emotional
regulation, relationships – romantic, family, friendships, acquaintances. But it is the Spiritual that is
most powerful and yet often most neglected. The term itself – spirituality – often puts people off,
as many start to visualise scented candles, crystals, wind chimes and speaking to long dead
ancestors. What I mean by Spiritual is the practice of consciously and regularly addressing you
and your life. Who you are, who you want to be, your meaning, your strengths and limitations,
your guiding principles and values, how you perceive the world and your ability to cope with
external and internal stressors. For some, religion provides a structure to address these areas.
And religious texts then provide an instruction manual of how to be the person you hope to be.
Importantly though, I believe that this all important spiritual element does not require religious
faith. It can be a secular process, and practised and rehearsed without reference to external
sources.
Indeed, one of the key messages I took from my first interactions with Stoicism and Buddhism, is
that we, as individuals must take responsibility for our own happiness. The responsibility lies with
us, and the answers to living a better life lie within us. We have the ability to control our minds, our
perceptions, our responses and ultimately our emotions and behaviours. We seem now to be
operating in a society which increasingly blames others for any accident, promotes ‘victimhood’
and assumes others are responsible for either making us secure and happy, or blamed when we
don’t get what we assume is our due. I found the message that strength and contentment lies in
accepting responsibility, to be amazingly empowering. Take charge of yourself. Concern yourself
with only what is in your control. You want to be happy? Then be happy. You want to be ‘better’,
then do something about it. One life, live it! Accepting responsibility and truly believing that you
can improve your own lot, is Step 1 to transformation.
If you google this particular wellbeing model, these 4 elements are usually portrayed as of equal
importance, being part of a Venn diagram or as 4 pillars of mental health. I see it a little differently,
if for no other reason than to make my point as to the importance of the ‘spiritual’. If you haven’t
read Victor Frankl’s ‘Man’s search for meaning’, you must… at least once, and then you’ll
understand my point. Frankl was a Psychiatrist who was incarcerated in Nazi death camps for 4
years. He experienced the absolute worst that humankind is capable of, daily, for years. He was
deprived of everything that we would usually include under the banners of ‘physical, emotional
and mental’, and yet he coped, he survived psychologically in tact, capable of going on to live a
successful life, both personally and professionally. Why? Because he had nailed the spiritual
element. He was somehow able to re-frame his perception of his experiences, controlling his
responses to external stressors, controlling what was within his gift to control – his mind.
Addressing the spiritual can optimise the positive impact of the other 3 elements, as well as
having the ability to cover for deficiencies when necessary.
So the key takeaways:
Genuine personal development takes time, energy, consistency and engagement – there is NO
hack!
Find sources of advice that resonate with you. This is what I hope to provide on this site, but by all
means supplement it with other stuff. Stoicism is a great start point.
The key to a better life : The thinking person’s ‘Life-hack’
